I want to make this blog a real thing, so to do that, I’ve gotta be as transparent as I can be without disappearing into thin air. 😉
This weekend has been a LOW. Low, low, low. Gained two pounds back, stopped logging into Noom, and have eaten (I can’t believe I’m about to admit this to the internet) over 3,000 calories per day for the past three days.
And the only thing I can really say to myself right now is, “It’s no wonder you’re so fat. You’re disgusting. You’ll always be fat and you’re going to die early and leave your child with no mother because you have no self-control.”
This journey is hard, but I’m trying to stay positive and not think and feel this way. I still enjoy waking up to my Noom app, but I’m finding it harder and harder to actually read the articles and complete my tasks for the day. I love my new fitness tracker, but while it is encouraging when I hit my step goal, it’s not actually motivating me to do better when I don’t.
I know I have some deep psychological problems when it comes to my eating. Abusive childhood, going from one eating disorder in high school (anorexia) to another in adulthood (binge eating), food distortions, body image distortions, and a downright food addiction.
Some people think a food addiction isn’t as big of a deal or as real of a thing as, say, a drug or alcohol addiction, but let me tell you folks, it will ruin your life just as much. You will destroy your health just as much. You will alienate your friends and family just as much. You will be judged for being fat. You will be shamed for ordering the burger and fries. Your clothes will stop fitting, you won’t be able to play with your kids anymore, and eventually, if you don’t break free of your addiction, you will wind up 600 lbs with a TV show on the LifeTime network. Because, let’s face it, America loves to exploit addictions.
So how do I break free of this? One thing I’ve GOT to keep reminding myself is that I. Am. Not. My. Abuse. I. Am. Not. My. Addiction. I. Am. Not. My. Eating Disorders. I can break free. I will break free.
I will wake up tomorrow and log into my Noom app. I will weigh myself and accept the hit with dignity because my yesterday is not my today. I will continue to drink 96 oz of water every day this week. I will bring baby carrots to snack on, I will eat a salad for lunch, I will make a nutritious Rachel Ray meal for dinner. I will wear my tracker and take an extra walk around the building if I need to get my steps in. I will continue on because a set-back does not mean the end. Tomorrow is a new day and I, eventually, will be a new me.
Originally posted on SparkPeople.com at https://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6560580