This week I have done hard things in regards to my weight loss and overall health journey.
On Monday, I once again weighed in at the heaviest I have ever been: 262.5 lbs.
On Tuesday, I told my therapist I couldn’t stop binge eating and we worked through coping mechanisms that could help.
On Wednesday, I broke down crying in my new nutritionist’s office, knowing that I could not do this alone and that for all my accountability I had set up – blogging, asking friends for encouragement, talking to my Noom coach – I still had not set up an actual diet and exercise plan. I knew I was not committed, struggling with addiction, and needing trained medical help.
On Thursday, I emailed my Noom coach and told her I wanted to restart the entire curriculum. I had to admit that I had forgotten what any of the acronyms meant, how to create certain types of goals, and was so far behind in the curriculum there was no way I could catch up.
And today, Friday, I have renewed my commitment. My curriculum is reset and though I am starting the curriculum over, I am not starting my journey over. I am continuing with everything I have set up for myself and looking at old assignments with new eyes.
This week has been HARD. When I confess my binge eating and food addiction and laziness and the junk I eat and the depression and the anxiety and all. of. the. things, I feel guilty. Ashamed. Self-loathing. I feel like I should keep all my deep, dark secrets right where they are as deep, dark secrets.
But my goodness did I feel the SUPPORT this week!
On Monday, a lot of people I haven’t heard from in ages started reaching out, saying they didn’t know why, they could just tell I needed them.
On Tuesday, my therapist helped me work through my depression and my goals with feisty encouragement. She gave me coping mechanisms to try and helped lift my spirits to try, try again.
On Wednesday, my nutritionist met me with compassion instead of the judgment and disgust I was expecting. We set up semi-weekly appointments and talked about vitamins and supplements and mapped out my goals as it applied to her. We set up just two simple goals to commit to until our next session – walking 4,000+ steps every day and logging everything I eat. Our next several meetings will include help with meal planning, exercise planning, and additional psychotherapeutic counseling to get into the deep issues that affect my overeating mindsets.
On Thursday, my mind was calling me a failure, a slob, ugly, lazy, undisciplined, overwhelmed, afraid. I expected my Noom coach to tell me that maybe this program isn’t right for me. But she didn’t. She was excited for me to recommit, encouraged me that I am not alone, thanked me for trusting her enough to be honest about where I was at, and told me that she felt thankful to be my coach.
And today, I restarted my curriculum with a renewed sense of vigor and motivation. I redesigned my big picture end-goals.
What is my goal? To lose 140 lbs.
But why? To be healthy and disciplined.
But why? So I can play with my son without having to take a break every minute.
But why? So he will know that he is loved and enjoyed.
And there it is. My Ultimate Why.
2019 is my year. I claim it and I know I can do it and by the grace of God, I will not die through it.
Originally posted on SparkPeople.com at https://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6575284
Brokenness in the Beauty 