Overwhelmed

Starting weight: 262.5
Current weight: 261.4
Pounds lost: 1.1
Next weight goal: 255.0

Starting BMI: 45.1 
Current BMI: 44.9 
Starting BMI designation: Morbidly obese
Current BMI designation: Morbidly obese
Next BMI goal: 43.8

Water intake: 24 oz
Weekly Step Goal: 3,200-5,300
Steps Today: 3,243

It’s so hard to focus on the positives when all I can think about are the “still haven’t”s.

• I still haven’t walked 5,000 steps per day consistently.
• I still haven’t really lost any weight.
• I still haven’t started exercising.
• I still don’t drink enough water.
• I still don’t eat breakfast every day.

And honestly?  Yesterday was a bad day.  I skipped breakfast.  I took my son on a field trip and they served the kids pizza.  The kids had pizza and all the parents were also eating pizza and everyone was eating pizza and so I ate three slices of pizza.  And then had a mini chocolate cupcake.  Then for dinner, I had a good, vegan, black bean burger on whole wheat sandwich thins.  And then I had a tuna salad sandwich.  And then I had a bag of popcorn.  And then I had a slushy.  

I skipped breakfast again today and now I feel overwhelmed with trying to make such big changes in my life when I obviously don’t have the stamina or will-power to do so.  I’m trying to go slow and make gradual, permanent life changes, but there is so much change to make I just feel overwhelmed and like I’m failing before I even start.

Which honestly isn’t true – I’ve actually made really good progress since this time last year.  I haven’t lost any real weight, but I haven’t gained any, either, which is a change.  I’m consciously switching from processed breads to whole grains, consciously trying to reach step goals every day.  I’m still planning, and even though I don’t stick to it every day, it’s better to have a plan and only follow it half the time than to not make any plans at all and stick to it never.

But it’s still so hard.  Here I am trying to make sustainable life changes, which is a lot slower than just crash dieting and losing a bunch of weight, and yet it’s going so slow that I want to give up.  So obviously it’s going too slow.  But when I speed things up I get overwhelmed and want to give up because I feel like even the small changes are too many changes all at once.

All of this is to say that I really could use some encouragement today to keep fighting, keep going, keep walking, keep trying, keep planning, keep goal-ing.

Because the problem hasn’t really been in the plans and the goals.  The problem is me, sticking (or rather, not sticking) to the plans.  And I don’t know how to change that.

Just like driving a stick shift, I know the mechanics of how to lose weight, but I can’t do it.  I know how to meal plan, but I don’t do it.  I know how to portion control, but I can’t seem to stop binge eating.  I know how to meal prep, but I’m too tired to do it every night.  I know I need to increase my steps by a little every day, but do I take that extra walk around the block?  No.  No, I do not.

So what next?  I’m tired of constantly resetting my goals, resetting my rewards, resetting my baby steps, resetting my small changes schedule.  I’m so tired of resetting my Noom articles and assignments, resetting my step goals and my exercise goals.  I’m just tired.